24 replies to this topic

[Keiya]

So, I think you all get a kick out of the things I hear, especially knowing that they are valid in every degree. Well, I took some time to accumulate more. Let's begin.

1 :

"I'm having an issue with something."
"Alright Ma'am. What sort of problem are you having?"
"The status of this order hasn't updated."
"Well, that could only be a few things. Where are you looking for the status?"
"On my print out."
-It occurs to me instantly this woman is likely staring at the initial printout of her order which has a 'Status' across the top of the page that, on her system, updates periodically-
"Ma'am, do you mean the physical paper printout?"
"Yes. The status usually updates when someone accepts my order and I've been checking this thing all morning and it hasn't changed."
"The.. paper, ma'am?" -giving her time to catch on-
"YES. I've said that 3 times now. Why hasn't it update?"
"...Because paper isn't magic. That's printed ink. It's not going to change."
"..Oh..I...-click-"

2 :

"Hey there! Name is Bob! Have a request!"
"Alrighty Sir, what can I do for you?"
"Well, I need to know how much I payed on my server in 2008 when I bought it."
"Ah, easy enough. I'll need to have one of our financial Admins give you a call if that's fine. They should have that information."
"That would be great! I ran it over and need to know for insurance purposes."
"...-trying not to laugh- I'm sorry?"
"Yup! Had a Neural Cortex disorder I wasn't aware of. Got in my truck, thought it was in reverse, and drove right through the front of the shop! Hahahah"
" -crying trying not to laugh- OooOh~ That's terrible to hear."
"So yeah! Ran that puppy right the hell over!"
"-Trying..so..hard-"
"Welp!! Just have them give me a call! "

3 :

" I AM SO FED UP WITH THIS NETWORK!"
" Ok ma'am. I'm sorry you feel that way. What can I do for you?"
" EVERY TIME I CLICK, NOTHING HAPPENS."
" You mean with your mouse, correct?"
" YES! I JUST BOUGHT THIS THING! THIS IS THE 4TH ONE! WHY IS IT NOT WORKING?!"
" Well where do you have it plugged in? "
" PFFT. WHO PLUGS A MOUSE IN, THIS IS WIRELESS! "
" ...Did you plug in the wireless receiver to the PC?"
" The what? "
" The receiver. One part plugs into the computer and the mouse sends signal to that."
" OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS -box opening in background- OF COURSE I PLUGGED THA -grunting as she is crawling behind the computer- T IN. DO YOU THINK I'M DUMB? -Grunting, getting back up- I SWEAR TO.. It's working now thanks."

Enjoy those teasers!

[LeadCrazySam]

Oh god, priceless. I love reading these... Keep 'em coming!

[JC 042]

MY SIDES! I’ve missed these sooooo much.

Here’s one of mine:
Just today at school the keystage 4 students studying Personal Development had to do charity campaigning, its kind of like a frantic marketplace if anyone knows what that’s like; "£2 FOR A BATCH OF BANANERS!", " DESIGNER T-SHIRTS £5!!!". But it’s replaced with "50P FOR A LEAFLET!!!" "HELP FOR HEROES STICKERS 10P!!!” it’s pretty frantic.

One kid came up to me (he was stuttering which was kind of awkward, although me standing there with his head coming up to my chest while I’m wearing full heavy jacket and sunglasses looking like I’m out of the Matrix probably didn’t help with that ) giving me a leaflet with a picture of an old person with a dog, he's explaining to me its about a charity that gives dogs to old people, I read the leaflet and its about volunteering pet owners going to hospital wards to cheer people up with their dog/cat.

One guy who I recognise as the village idiot equivalent in the school (if you can remember this he's the one who thought Santa is too fat to be Christian ) is having another famous rant/comedy stand up in front of several people about the charity I just read a leaflet about;
"WE should be the ones asking for peoples cats! We should gather hundreds of them up and set them loose to kill off all these damn pigeons in the school! We could give them numbers and make bets of which eats the most!!! And when the pigeons realise they're in the wrong neighbourhood mother fu***** and leave we'll set loose a load of dogs to scare/eat away the cats (depending what dogs we use). And then to round up the dogs we'll get a megaphone and shout "SIT!!!" then we'll gather them all up and give those dogs TO. THIS. CHARITY!!!!”

A huge round of applause and cheers followed

[Keiya]

Lmfao.

[Talos Valcoran]

That's funny stuff.

[Keiya]

So, here's one.

Some of these clients have registers. The way these registers work is that the PC will send a signal to the Receipt Printer. When the receipt printer prints, it sends a signal to the cash drawer to pop. So

PC ---- Printer ----- Cash Drawer.

The line between the cash drawer and Printer is a small basic phone cable.

A client calls in :

" That phone line between my printer and drawer.. what security is on it?"
" I'm sorry? You mean the signal cable to pop the cash drawer?"
" Yes. Is there antivirus on that? "
" No sir. That's just a signal wire. It's not connected to the internet."
" Uh, it's a phone line. It has to be."
" No. It's not. It simply plugs into the printer and then into the drawer so that the drawer gets the signal to open. That's it. No connection at all to anything else."
" I don't believe that. "
" Sir, I assure you - that is not an internet connection. "
" But it processes my Credit Cards! "
" No.. It doesn't. Your Credit Card machine does."
" I don't believe it. You're just making this up. "
" Okay, I'm sorry you feel that way. If you'd like to test it, unhook that cord and run a CC."
-Customer does this, mouthing the whole time-
-CC goes through-
" Okay, that went through, correct?"
-click-

[CruciasNZ]

Priceless

[Keiya]

"I think my printer is broken."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What seems to be the issue with it?"
"Well...it fell in the floor and broke in half."
".. Erm. Well it certainly sounds broken."
"Yeah. Well.. Down with the man, right?"

========================

"Listen, uh - we're closing for Thanksgiving. How do I not get orders."
"You'll need to put a stop on your system by hitting "Stop Services."
"I did that and it says "Stopped." ...So does that mean it's stopped?"
"...Yes. That status is the current status."
"Well can you look?"
"...Sir what does the status say there?"
"Stopped. But I want to make sure it means stopped."
"There is no other meaning for the word."
"Never worked for my wife. Thats' why we have 4 kids."
"..Stop, sir."
" Ahaha. Now you're gettin' it! "

=========================

"We're having an openhouse today and I want to make sure we're ready to process cards."
"Alright, we can check everything. let's get remoted in."
"Well... we changed Internet providers today and they won't be in until tomorrow.
"...You know you can't process Credit Cards without an internet connection, right?"
" WHAT?! No one ever told me that! "
" Well, ma'am, how do you think they were charged? They use an internet connection."
" I'm going to lose SO MUCH BUSINESS. YOU GUYS ARE PAYING FOR THIS."
" ...You changed your provider of your own will, ma'am. We aren't responsible for that."
" THIS IS INSANE! YOU'RE ALL PIECES OF S**T. I CAN"T BELIEVE I STILL USE YOU GU-click-"

[LeadCrazySam]

Oh god. My sides.
Beautiful, keep them coming.. I love idiots.. Even though I'm one of them...

[Keiya]

"Can you tell me what I should do here?"
"Alright Ma'am, what's on the screen currently?"
"I DON'T KNOW. I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. -click"

[J NOSK36]

Lol keiya it sounds like you are in hell lol

[CruciasNZ]

Sounds like he works in a pretty ordinary call centre

[J NOSK36]

so hell is a call center, got it lol

[CruciasNZ]

so hell is a call center, got it lol

That pulls triple shifts

[J NOSK36]

that is evil lol

[Keiya]

You know, this one is more of a complaint.

Why do people feel the need to tell me everything wrong with both their system and their lives? I mean more information about the issue is helpful but just this morning I had this scenario.

Guy calls in because he has an alert stuck on his screen. Easy SQL fix. As I ask "how long has it been on the screen?" he proceeds to take that as an opportunity to tell me everything~ It was apparently on his screen for 3 days, but he thought he'd wait to call, then when he tried to call he didn't get through right away so he hung up and noticed he had a text that his best friend was getting married so he freaked out because he already knew that and had totally forgot so now he had to go and get everything organized and plan a cake because he was in charge of that. Then while he was handling that he got a call that his daughter was in the hospital with some weird stomach flu. Which reminded him of an order he got right before Thanksgiving and he thought that we needed to fix that because he doesn't have time to keep up with all of that information, but regardless he was caught up and had to drop it off on it's way out and blah blah blah blah blah.

30 minutes after his issue was fixed - he completed his answer.

[Keiya]

Congratulations, clients. You have diminished any and all faith in humanity I had left. Everyone - say hello to the quote of the week.

"It says I have windows updates."
"Yessir you do - thirty two of them."
"Well how many is that? "
"...........Thirty two."

[MetalHead666X]

..............................................................

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[J NOSK36]

i have lost faith in the human race lol

[Keiya]

"Hi there, what's your name?"
"Alex" (I use my middle name at work for pronunciation reasons.)
"Allen?"
"Alex." (Emphasis on X)
"Aaron?"
"Al-Ex"
"Derick? Derick, right?"
"....Alex. A-l-e-x."
" A-L...what? Alice?"
"...What can I do for you?"
"Alright, Herron, I'm having this problem now."

====

(This is the best one all year...Prepare your anus' for a hurtin'.)

"Thanks for calling. What ca-"
"WHAT DO I DO?!"
"..I'm sorry? "
"I. UH. WE. I. FIRE. "
"..Fire?"
"I DROPPED A CANDLE AND THE BUILDING IS BURNING!"
"I'd suggest getting out, Sir."
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod."
"Sir. If there's been a fire for the last 15 minutes you've been on hold, I suggest getting out -now-"
"What do I do? Am I insured? Oh my god."
"Sir, I'm hanging up now. Leave your building immediately and contact the fire department."

I honestly hope he stayed in there...