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[Iron K]

Okay, I haven't been that active on GothicWars for some time. The reason is a mixture of no working computer, real life issues, and work. Work, work, work.. But today is my first day off in a week, and after pulling together 24 hours of work, just during the weekend, I'm in the mood to contribute with a thread in the madness that is GWRS!

And I for one, as always, is up for a good laugh or two..
Feel free to contribute! That's how threads survive..


[spoiler=Jokes!]

Just imagine a drum-roll after each joke. It's funnier that way..

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a box under his arm. He puts the box on the bar, and ask the bartender for a beer. And another. And so on. After a couple of hours, the bartender starts to be curious about the content of the box, and ask the man about it.
-Say, what's in the box?
-Don't go there! Just give me another beer...
-I'll tell you what, I will let you drink for free, if you show me whats in the box.

The man thinks about it for a while, and then gives in, and show the content of the box. Inside there is a 20 inch pianist sitting at a small piano, playing a jolly tune. The bartender is awestruck.

-That's amazing! How the hell did you manage to get that?!?
-I found a magic lamp.....
-Bullshit!

So the man takes forth the magic lamp, and gives it to the bartender. The bartender rubs it, and poof, a genie appears.
-WHAT ARE YOUR WISH, MASTER?
The bartender is without himself of joy.
-I wish the whole bar is filled with money!
-YOU WISH IS MY COMMAND!

All of a sudden the genie is gone, and the bar is slowly being filled with honey, to the bartender's discontent..

-What the hell! I didn't wish for this?!?
-Really!?
The man answers angry.
-Did you really think I wished for a 20 inch pianist!??!
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A pirate captain walks into a bar with a rudder in his crotch. The bartender looks at him and said:
-Do you know you have a rudder in your crotch?
-Yaar, its bee driving me nuts...
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Crucias, JC and Dx died in a horrible xbox-related accident. In some strange way, they all ended up in heaven. At the gate, they met God who told them that in heaven they could do whatever they wanted, but he warned them to not step on the pink cloud.

Once inside they made an agreement to meet up once a month, just to keep in touch. And so they did. It worked well for a couple of months, until one time, when Crucias appeared to the meeting together with a girl, so horribly ugly that it hurt ones eyes to look at her.
JC and Dx stared in disbelief, and after a while they manage to ask:
-What the hell happened!?
Crucias simply replied:
-I stepped on the pink cloud...

Nothing more was said about it, and they moved on with their afterlife. But the next month, JC arrived to the meeting together with a girl. This girl was so disgusting, so awful, that it was only with pure willpower that one could avoid vomiting. Once again, the other asked:
-What the hell?!?!
JC simply replied:
-I stepped on the pink cloud....

After this meeting it took a couple of months before they met up again. This time, it was Dx turn to arrive with someone else. He came with a girl, so incredibly attractive, sexy, good looking and drop dead gorgeous that there aren't words enough to describe her.
Crucias and JC just stared at them for an hour or two before one of them managed to utter some words:
-Wha.. What the hell happened?!
-I stepped on the pink cloud....
The girl answers...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A plane is flying over the pacific ocean, filled with representatives from all over the world. Suddenly an engine explodes. The pilot struggles to keep the plane in the air, but it's not going well.
-"We need to loose weight, or we all gonna die!"

The problem was they had no luggage, and no parachutes. After a few minutes, the French representative stands up and goes to the door.
-"Viva la Revolution!" he said, before jumping from the plane.

Sadly, that was not enough, and the plane kept descending. Then the British stood up and walked to the door.
-"God save the Queen!" And jumped out the plane.

Still not enough, it was the Americans turn. A big guy from Texas stood up and walked to the door. He looked at the others in the plane, and said:
-"Remember the Alamo!" and threw out the Mexican....
----------------------------------------------------------------------

So, this is all I got for now. But I will return later with more..
Your turn! Show me what you got!
[/spoiler]

[dx144]

Well everything in the Afterlife seems to be coming up for Dx! =D

The 20inch Pianist was pretty funny =P

Good jokes Iron! =D

[DusteirTax]

the 20 inch pianst reminds me of the story about a lepercon with a 14 inch piece who could grant wishes

[Armoured Priest]

I think the pink cloud story is probably the best.

[dx144]

Well should I be insulted or happy from the Pink Cloud joke =P

[Iron K]

Well should I be insulted or happy from the Pink Cloud joke =P

A little from column A, a little from column B..
No, I kid. I joke because I like you in some strange twisted disgusting way.

[dx144]

AWESOME! I made a friend! =D

Now how to celebrate?! Dress up? Lob some rocks? I don't care let us celebrate!

[Iron K]

There, there, settle down. I said I liked you, not that I was your friend!
Anyways, this was a thread for jokes, not for making friends.
[spoiler=Yet another Joke!]
The US government was making a survey over the loyalty of the USA military. They had a Soldier from the army, a Navy Seal, and a Marine. But to complement the survey, they also took in a civilian, a middle aged woman from Boston.

First they brought in the Soldier, handed him a gun, and pointed towards a door.
-On the other side of that door sits your wife. I want you to go through there and shoot her.
The soldier looks at the gun, and then says:
-Sir, I'm afraid I can't do that, Sir!

Second the Navy Seal, and he gets the same orders. He takes the gun, opens the door, and take one look at his wife, then turns around and returns the gun without a word.

Third is the Marine. Once again, the same orders. He takes the gun, opens the door, walks in, and closes it behind him. After a few minutes he exits whit tears flowing from his eyes.
-I can't do it! She's so beautiful, and I love her so!

Lastly it's the woman from Boston.
-On the other side of that door sits your husband. I want you to go through there and shoot him..

The woman enters with the gun, and after a few minutes there is a loud ruckus, and after a few more minutes she exits. The others stared at her and asked what had happened, to which she replied:
-Well the damned gun was only loaded with blanks, so I had to hit the son-of-a-bitch to death!
[/spoiler]



Now start contributing, you Lovable Bastards!

[JC 042]

Thugren, Armoured Priest, and Nosk, wash up and are stranded on a unknown tropical island, they are quickly abducted by a tribe and take to their village.

The chief of the tribe instructs the three of them to go back into the forest and each collect 20 of a single type of fruit and return, or they will be hunted and killed.

After two hours Priest returns with 20 bananas, the chief then tells him if he can insert all the bananas into his anus without making a facial expression he will be freed, if not then they will kill him. After the second banana Priest makes a facial expression and is killed instantly by the tribe.

Thugren returns with 20 small berries and is given the exact same instructions. He gets to 18 before he bursts out laughing and is quickly killed.

In heaven (whatever random afterlife you two would go to =P)
Priest asks Thugren "Why did you laugh?"
Thrugren replies "I saw Nosk come back with coconuts!"

[Armoured Priest]

In Hell
Priest asks Thugren "Why did you laugh?"
Thrugren replies "I saw Nosk come back with coconuts!"

Fixed.

[dx144]

Unlucky Nosk... =P

Nice one JC =D

I would contribute but I don't have any jokes. So I just off to continue eating my Doritos and laughing at these jokes =D

[JC 042]

[spoiler=Yet another Joke!]
The US government was making a survey over the loyalty of the USA military. They had a Soldier from the army, a Navy Seal, and a Marine. But to complement the survey, they also took in a civilian, a middle aged woman from Boston.

First they brought in the Soldier, handed him a gun, and pointed towards a door.
-On the other side of that door sits your wife. I want you to go through there and shoot her.
The soldier looks at the gun, and then says:
-Sir, I'm afraid I can't do that, Sir!

Second the Navy Seal, and he gets the same orders. He takes the gun, opens the door, and take one look at his wife, then turns around and returns the gun without a word.

Third is the Marine. Once again, the same orders. He takes the gun, opens the door, walks in, and closes it behind him. After a few minutes he exits whit tears flowing from his eyes.
-I can't do it! She's so beautiful, and I love her so!

Lastly it's the woman from Boston.
-On the other side of that door sits your husband. I want you to go through there and shoot him..

The woman enters with the gun, and after a few minutes there is a loud ruckus, and after a few more minutes she exits. The others stared at her and asked what had happened, to which she replied:
-Well the damned gun was only loaded with blanks, so I had to hit the son-of-a-bitch to death!
[/spoiler]

I remember the original version of that joke, nice remake  
[spoiler=Not really a joke as such, but REALLY funny :D]http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=81FSZMhbZi8[/spoiler]

[xxxblackspider]

A lot of people dont think that my jokes are all that funny, so i dont think i will post any...

[CattyVixen]

Okay, since my English is terrible, this joke will probably lose it's point... But hey, that could be fun too! ^^

[spoiler=Catty's Joke for the Day!]

There was a girl that was tired of being seen as 'easy' and stupid just because she was blonde..
So one day, she went to the hairdresser, and said that she wanted to be a brunette instead. The hairdresser colored her hair, and she realized a difference straight away, since the guys started to see her with new eyes, more respectfully and less underestimating.

One day she drove in her car. She was forced to stop for a shepherd who herded his sheep over the road. She looked at them, and at him and said:
"Oh, soo cute, if I can guess how many lambs you have, can I get one then?"
The shepherd, that thought this brunette was lovely, said that she could.
"I think you have 81 she says. Because 81 is my lucky-number."

The shepherd that had counted them this morning, said that it was correct and that she now could choose a lamb.
After a lot of thinking, she choose one of the fluffiest, cutest little creature and carry it into her car.

The shepherd looked at her and said:
"If I can guess your natural hair-color, can I get my sheepdog back please?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boss came to the newly hired guy and asked how the sales had gone that day.
He said:
"Well, a guy came in, looking for some fishing equipment. So I sold him the best equipment we have."
The boss said:
"Well that's good. Anything else?"
"Well I told the same guy, that if he wanted the big fishes, he needed a boat to get out on the deeper water. So I sold him our largest boat."
"Amazing, what else?" Said the Boss.
"Well, I said to him, to get the boat to the lake, he needed a really good boat-trailer, so I sold one of those too." he said.
"Unbelievable, you broke the sales-record in just one day." The Boss said with a smile.
"That's not all, to pull his boat-trailer, I sold him our biggest SUV" the guy said.
The Boss looked at him and asked:
"So, a guy came in, looking for some fishing equipment, and you sold him our most expensive fishing-gear, our largest boat, a boat-trailer and a SUV?"
"No, the man came in, looking for tampons, so I said, that his week already was ruined, and he might as well go fishing!"

[/spoiler]

[Talos Valcoran]

those are really funny. The 20 inch pianist was the best.

[Iron K]

[spoiler=Not really a joke as such, but REALLY funny ]http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=81FSZMhbZi8[/spoiler]

Why am I not surprised that JC, the Master of Internet Madness, brought such a video into this thread...

Good find though!

[spoiler=Today's Joke!]

The best way to avoid STD's?
1. Put on condom.
2. Smear wasabi, hot sauce, tiger balm, or other on the condom.
3. Put on another condom.

That way, when the girl starts screaming, you know you only have one left...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

-Knock knock..
-who's there?
-Interrupting cow..
-Interupt...?
-MOOOOOOOOOOO!
------------------------

Catty's favourite joke in the whole wide world:

Why was the number 6, afraid of the number 7?
Because seven ate nine...


Ohh... Classic!
[/spoiler] 
Just made these up! Don't know if they're any good, but they made me giggle.
[spoiler=Iron K Jokes]
What did Iron K say to the Dreadnought?
-Let me boot you up..

What did Iron K say to the defeated Dreadnought?
-Let me reboot you...

What did Iron K say to the enemy Dreadnought?
Nothing, he was far to busy playing "Kick the Can"....
[/spoiler]

[JC 042]

[spoiler=Today's Joke!]
Catty's favourite joke in the whole wide world:

Why was the number 6, afraid of the number 7?
Because seven ate nine...


Ohh... Classic!
[/spoiler]

I'm really annoyed that one took me 3 minutes to work out...

[Iron K]

[spoiler=Today's Joke!]
Catty's favourite joke in the whole wide world:

Why was the number 6, afraid of the number 7?
Because seven ate nine...


Ohh... Classic!
[/spoiler]

I'm really annoyed that one took me 3 minutes to work out...

BEST JOKE SO FAR! XD

[Iron K]

No jokes out there? Not even a little pun you want to share?
Oh well.. I guess that means I will shoulder this thread all by myself!

[spoiler=]

A man from London had won a trip to Italy, but was having second thoughts about going there. A friend tried to encourage him to go.
- But I don't even know any Italian...
- Oh, don't worry! Just speak really slow, and they'll understand you, more or less...

Finally, he agrees to go. When he is there, he finds a nice little bar and decides to get a drink. He walks up to the bartender and speaks really slowly:
-Hello.. I.. Would.. Like.. A.. Drink...
The bartender looks at him, and answers equally slowly:
-Okay.. What.. Would.. You.. Like..?

The man ordered a beer, and continued to speak to the bartender throughout the night, really slowly. And the bartender answered him, really slowly.
At the end of the night, the bartender ask where he is from, to which the man answers:
- I'm.. From.. London...
The bartender gives him a smile
- Me.. too...

The man lets out a relieved sight and says to the bartender:
- Thank God, then we don't need to speak Italian anymore!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

During WW2, a duo of specially trained spies was sent from Germany to infiltrate England. They had trained for two years to blend in seamlessly, and had now set foot on English soil for the first time. They headed for a bar near an army base to collect some information. They both headed for the bar, and one of them spoke to the bartender with a spotless English accent.
- Barkeep! Two Martinis, please.
The bartender looked up and asked
- Dry?
The German spy looked at him, and said out loud:
- Nein, swei!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?

A: Question marks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy one?"

The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you..
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.

One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.

The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Nosk asked Cru, "How much is a penny worth on GothicWars?"

Cru replied, "$1 million."

Nosk asked, "How long is a minute on GothicWars?"

Cru said, "1 million years."

Nosk asked for a penny.

Cru said, "Sure, in a minute..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What has a bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A bingo machine.
(Alternatively; Dx.. )
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cover charge: $15

Round of drinks: $23

Table dance: $30

A round of shots: $34

Private dance in your hotel room: $300

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/spoiler]

[Opeth Of Epica]

[spoiler=Not really a joke as such, but REALLY funny ]http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=81FSZMhbZi8[/spoiler]

I REALLY shouldn't have showed you that.