10 replies to this topic

[Iron K]

Listen up class!
Time to fill that brown burnt thing you call a brain with some knowledge!

Jc, take away those headphones before i take them away from you. Dx, so help me god if you throw that! Ill give you a good spanking and send you to the corner covered in plasma! Why can't you all be more like the class president Cru?

And take notes, there will be a test on the subject.


Today's test regards Capitalism.
Here follows example of different capitalisms.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


AMERICAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a taxi exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with the option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buy your bull.


AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


FRENCH CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.


JAPANESE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.


GERMAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eats only once a month, and milk themselves.


BRITISH CAPITALISM
You have two cows. Both are mad.


CANADIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose - in fact, yes they are. One speaks French, one speaks English. One fight to create a new country, the other won't let it. They both play ice hockey rather well.


ITALIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.


RUSSIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You count theme and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


SWISS CAPITALISM
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them.


CHINESE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You have 300 pole milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalists who reported the number of cows.


NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM
You have two cows. That one on the left is kind cute...

[CruciasNZ]

Much chuckles were had, sent it to some work colleagues and got in trouble for making people laugh in the meeting.

[Iron K]

Welcome back from recess class.
I hope you're ready for the next subj.. Thurgren! Stop killing your classmates and resurrecting them as evil beasts! How many times must I tell you?! And Priest, stop helping him!

Anyways, as I was saying. This period we will talk about history. The first world war to be more precise. No Sam, we will not reenact it in the classroom. Because I said no!

Moving on. Being aware that you all have trouble staying focused, either on listening, learning, or just not being retarded, I have formulated this in a way that you all can relate to...



This is world war one, if it was a bar fight:


Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a whole new suit because of the new beer stains on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses it's support for Austria's point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole new suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia looks at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave it's little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to what army will assist Russia in doing so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that is sufficiently out of order that Britain not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action anymore.

Britain and France asks Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany goes off into a corner and whispers. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany, Austria punches Russia, Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and almost falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy suprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown though a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs around the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault. While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal it's wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

[dx144]

About sums it up. 

 

Pretty sure it was mainly France's idea to rummage through Germany's pockets though and they'd also recommend stealing Germany's shoes, trousers and anything else that looks like its worth something...

 

American falls ill and leaves the pub just after the fight leaving it to Britain and France to sort things out.

 

France demands they steal everything German has and makes them wear a hat saying "I'm a *CENSORED*".

 

Britain bitches in the corner saying shits going to get worse because of what France is doing.

 

Japan is upset since they don't have any drinks bought for them and aren't recognized by Britain as their mates.

 

Italy is given almost nothing so they go off pretty upset about it.

 

Germany wakes up to see they've a couple of pounds left but France is asking for them as well and they have a restraining order demanding they stay away from France. Naturally they're pretty fucked off about this...

 

Austro-Hungary is split into two people and told not to turn back into a single person again.

[CruciasNZ]

Second World War (aka Great War, aka World War One) on Facebook

http://www.collegehu...to-world-war-ii

 

Third World War (aka World War Two) on Facebook

http://www.collegehu...wii-on-facebook

 

Note: World War One was the Napoleonic War as it was the first war to spread to all continents. Some American idiot called it WW1 (whereas Europe called it The Great War) and as usual it stuck

[dx144]

Well some people call The Great War 1914-1945. Mainly because the leaders of the second world war were officers or soldiers in the first.

 

Also you can't change the name of the Napoleonic Wars to the First World War as the French will get upset that something isn't named after that silly little guy. Also its illegal to name a pig in France Napoleon.

[Armoured Priest]

As an american, I can't buy the bull because I got no money to buy it.

Hurrah economy!

.....wait a minute. 

[Draco Ny'ade]

 Also its illegal to name a pig in France Napoleon.

Well, it's a good thing George Orwell wasn't French then.

[D0R0TKA]

Hm...where is the teacher? : P

I was curious what about Polish Capitalism..

[CruciasNZ]

Iron comes and goes. His viking longboat isn't in dock very long [emoji14]

[D0R0TKA]

Quite reasonable..If I had a drakkar I also would be available for most of the time.. : P