Before I begin, I need to make two things straight. First off, thanks and appreciation to the creator of the original "Shit I hear at work thread". Sadly I have no memory of who that was right now.. I think it was Keiya..? Anyways!
Second. I have signed a contract where I wove silence of what happens at my job. BUT, since you don't even know my true name, and only know the general area of the country I live in (North for the Win!), together with the fact that I will obviously not use any true names, I feel safe in sharing the shit that I hear and see as a taxi driver. And believe me, it is some weird shit.
Right, here we go!
Hope you enjoy.
I am the Law!
Driving a buss (eight passengers + driver), get a fare from one of the local pubs. A group of seven guys and lasses file inside the buss, and tells me where to go. Right, I set off, and get about ten meters down the streets. Incidentally there is a police car parked there, with the officers standing and keeping an guarding eye on thing.
Before I know it, one of the guys rips open the back door, shouting "PIGS" at the top of his lungs at them....
Fun fact: When a car travels from 40 km/h to 0 km/h in a second blank, and you haven't buckled your seat-belt, you will not remain seated.
I brake, without hesitation. There were bodies, legs and arms everywhere. The officers were laughing their asses of. I turn around, staring down the punk who pulled the stunt, and tell him that if he ever does that again, I will personally throw him out of the buss by his pubic hair.
It didn't happen again.
To Brony, or not to Brony
Picks up a girl from the pub, around 03:00, who wants to go home. Now this girl was far from the impossible size zero figure. She was closer to the one-zero-zero figure.... And suddenly Miss Snorlax decides to have an conversation with me.. Snorlax: I'm horny~ Me: Snorlax: Damn, I'm really horny! Me: Ehh... Okay..? Good for you? Snorlax: Hey, can you help me with something? Me: NoOOooOooo~ Snorlax: Good, cause I have two guys I'm kind of seeing. Me: (Bitch..) Snorlax: One is funny, a bit older and a mechanic. The other one is younger, but nice and cute. Kind of girly. He watches My Little Pony! Me: What!? Snorlax: So who should I call? Me: Isn't that a bit obvious? (Oh my various gods, why the hell am I getting involved?!) Snorlax: Well, I've never taken any of them for a "ride" *disgusting giggling for approximately 5 minutes* But the mechanic seems to be a straight forward guy. Boom, in-out-done, if you know what I mean? Me: I really don't want to know, thank you very much.. *Trying intensely to delete image from mind* Snorlax: But the Brony on the other hand.. Me: (Oh shitfuckhell, she's not stopping...) Snorlax: Seems to be a more tender lover. Like cuddly, you know? Me: No! I don't know! Snorlax: So who should I call? Me: I don't care! You're almost home, make the decision! Snorlax: You're right! I should call the Brony. Me: What?! So she ends up making the call. Guess what; at 3 AM a booty call isn't appreciated. From neither of her "potential mates". So... Snorlax used 'Booty Call'! It's not very effective... 
Sonic the 'Head'gehog
So, get a call and goes to pic up this dude. A punk-rocker that looks like Sonic the Hedgehog's retarded brother. After a shorter trip, summing up to about 10 bucks, it's time for him to pay. He gives me a sly look and a douchebag smile.
Sonic: Sorry mate, I don't have any cash. So if you don't want me to give you head as payment, I can't pay you.
*I look him square in the eyes in silence for a moment thinking of what to do. Then I answer in an all serious voice*
Me: Deal.
Sonic: Wh-What?
Me: Deal. Come on then, hurry up. And don't leave a mess.
Sonic: You're shitting me!
Me: Well, if you want to go that far for a 10$ fare, fine with me. But for you're sake I suggest you start sucking or I'll go in dry.
*Sonic is on the verge of panic by now, looking disgusted and confused at the same time. I also see his eyes dart for the door handle, at which point I lock the doors with the push of a button*
Sonic: Ehh.... Wait! I just remembered! I have a credit card! Do you take credit cards?!
Me: Yes, yes I do. *Grinning ear to ear* 
"You don't fuck with Iron K
Iron K fucks with you!" 
The Sneaky Vomit
Now this didn't happen to me, but it's still freaking hilarious.
Cabdriver picks up his client. A good looking girl going home after a night on the town.
Doesn't look to well. Informs her that there is a fine for vomiting in the car. She insists that she is okay.
During the trip, he can clearly see her state deteriorating. He once again asks her if she is alright, at which she insists that she is alright. Nearly at the end of the journey, he looks in the rearview mirror and sees her going pale, pulling out the neck of her sweater and putting down her face inside, followed by a strange sound.
The trip comes to its end, she quickly pays and gets out of the car, and start stripping...
Apparently it's a more attractive thought to puke inside ones clothes than to admit you need to puke and ask the driver to pull over... 
She also overpaid him about 25 bucks, just because she was in such a hurry to get rid of her "baggage"!
Karma is a B*TCH!
Mr Richie Rich steps inside the car, smelling like a brewery. Spends the trip bragging about how much money he makes, that he makes my monthly salary in a week, and so on and so forth. Also informs me about everything he spent money on during the night, the drinks he bought for himself and his "friends" (read: random strangers), and how he got to open up a bottle of champagne for no specific reason. Well, we reach our destination, and he pulls out his gold member card, informing me that the fare is small potatoes for him, and that he will tip me so that it will be something worth paying. (Fine by me)
Inserts card, press code, denied.
Oops.. He want to try again.
Insert card, press code, denied.
I give him a polite smile, and asks if he has any other card. He wants to try again.
Insert card, press code, DENIED!
He needs to spend the next ten minutes scraping together what leftover cash he has on different bank accounts, and insert them into the card, and also have to empty his wallet for small change to make the payment.
I didn't get any tip, but I got to sit with a polite and patient smile and watch him squirm to make the payment.
Taxi Driver education: 8000 kr
Driving car to work: 140 kr
Watching "rich" guy struggle to pay for fare: Priceless!
HERETIC!
Sooo.. Driving this guy, who is clearly too intoxicated for his own good. He is currently in the stage of "If I sit really still, everything will be okay".
If you've ever been too drunk/sick, you understand what I mean.
Me: Rough night? Too much to drink?
Heretic: Yeah.. Fuck, I shouldn't have mixed my alcohol...
Me: Just tell me if you want me to pull over. It's cheaper for you to puke outside the car.
Heretic: Yeah.. I might be okay...
Me: "Might" is not good enough for me, buddy.. So what exactly did you mix?
Heretic: Yeah.. Whisky and beer...
Me: Okay? Well, that shouldn't be so bad. You often drink more beer than you drink whisky.
Heretic: Yeah.. No, I mixed my whisky with beer. 50/50...
Me: WHAT?!?! YOU HERETIC!!! BLASPHEMY!!! YOU FUCKTARD!!! (Yes, I actually shouted out these words...)
I, with the help of the God Emperor himself, managed to not throw his ass out of a moving cab...
But it was bloody tempting, I can tell you! 
